I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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