im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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