as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
