last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
