she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
