the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
