and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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