hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
