I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
