I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
