Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
