im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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