Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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