You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
