Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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