I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
