I just pynch a tree in the face
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
