Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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