Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
