Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
