She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
