Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
