i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
