mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Boobs speak an international language.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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