I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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