I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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