this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
