Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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