Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
