I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
