you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
