I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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