He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
