the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
