Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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