i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
