the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
