he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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