I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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