I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize