No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
