My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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