Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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