overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
