he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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