I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize