oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
