should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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