im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
