On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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