i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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