y did u give ur computer a hand job?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
