don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
