I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You took a bar mat shot.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
