I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize