Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
