She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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