Already got asked if we're dating
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
