i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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