upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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