...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize