party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
