I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize