I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
