Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
