I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
