Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
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